Δευτέρα, 24 Μαρτίου 2014

The Origins Οf Astrology

- Welcome! This year's “Future Affairs Circle” is going to be unforgettable for all us futurologists. The beginning of the 1st century...hmmm... well I guess we can speak freely here... let me rephrase: the beginning of the 1st century BCE, is going to be revolutionary! We may all be successful professionals but one must never stop researching and exchanging The Knowledge. My dear colleagues as we all know telling the future is a very demanding science. Too many omens, various foretelling techniques, prophesies that don't make sense, gods that change their minds all the time and what is it for us? Danger, exhaustion and sometimes, suspiciousness and dispute. So learn from the best and listen what scientific news we bring you this year! Our first speaker is Razda Habti from Egypt! Razda has discovered a new amazing foretelling science and wants to share with you!
- Thank you Mador! Hello ladies and gentlemen. As you are all aware of, I am a very famous futurologist in Egypt. Until last year no one knew me and now I am the only futurologist to be granted a pyramid after death. During the previous twenty years I was researching every single foretelling science and conducting various social experiments to see their acceptance from patients. But let's take it from the start by asking you some questions.

Let's begin with this lady first. What is your name? Oh oh, don't tell me... it's...it's Pythonia, right?
- It's Pythia...
- I'm sorry. The signal reception is not that good in this forest. Anyway Pythia tell us the details of your technique. What happens in a session? What are the stages?
- I follow the traditional stages actually. The patient knocks my door, puts 20 gold coins on the table, I say the words and he leaves.
- No, no I meant the scientific stages and how exactly you predict the future.
- Oh! There is a rock inside my oracle and I inhale the vapours from it's chasm. Although sometimes there are no vapours so I have special leaves that do the job. After that, I'm in ecstasy and that's it, really. They say I predict the future but I never remember what I said and why. Of course everyone is happy and so I must be a great scientist.
- And your health? How is your health? For how long do you think you can keep inhaling those vapours or the leaves?

Let's continue. You, sir?
- Hello... well I have a more complex technique. You see I ask the patient to bring along with his 20 gold coins, a sheep or a goat. The patient gives me the animal and I sacrifice it to their favourite god by cutting it's neck with a special knife. After that, I open the animal's belly and examine it's inner organs. That's how I tell the future. It's more complex than it sounds and there is a lot of science in it. For example, swollen intestines means that this poor man's future will definitely stink.
- How unhygienic! How unscientific! And all that blood!
- Unhygienic? When the procedure is done, I tell you I cook the animal very well before eating it.
- All that fat will harm you! I'll come back to you too.

You sir?
- Who me? Oh, nothing fancy like leaves and blood. I just have a set of cards that the patient has to touch with his hands and ask the questions. I then set the cards on a table upside down, turn and read them. Look, here they are. Read some if you like. You'll get an idea.
- Okay, so this card says “The Lunatic” and “going to be mad soon, lose life or wife”, this says “Sun” and “about to be blinded, burned or have serious fever”, this says “Door” and “you should knock first”? Excuse me, there is nothing good happening with these cards?
- Ehh... no, not these. It's the Dark set of Cards. But I have the Light Cards too. You see, my patients choose whether they want to hear the good or the bad news first. But I prefer to start from the Dark; to make sure I will get paid, that is.
- And you manage to make a living?
- Well actually I am a blacksmith. Science is my hobby, you see.
- Enough. Let's move on with my technique. You will all understand in a few minutes. My experiments showed that people don't like vague prophesies. I found out that when one seeks for answers you must provide specific information like “yes” or “no”, you have to give a name, a place and time, and furthermore, it better be something your client wants to hear. If your foretelling is for horrible things to come then you are about to be left out of work; and that's the optimistic theory. My new science is called PlanetVision©. This new science has to do with planets and stars and how they influence us. You see each one of us is born under the influence of certain stars and a certain position of the planets.
- What do you mean planets and stars? Like the Moon?
- Yes, exactly. People born under the influence of the Moon are having certain characteristics that define their personality and future.
- Rubbish. My wife's influence on me can beat the whole galaxy! That's not science either!
- Yes it is. I'll show you. Tell me, what year were you born?
- Forty eight years ago.
- What month? The date?
- Not sure. Spring.
- You don't know? Any other details maybe?
- Well, Saturday for sure.
- Hmm... What time exactly?
- My mum said it was just after sunset.
- Perfect! Well, ladies and gentlemen this brilliant scientist here belongs to the sign of Leo.
- Which means?
- Which my friend means that you are kind, hard working and trustworthy. It also means that you are a magnificent man with love in your heart for all mankind. And you adore your wife. In fact you adore all women. A lot.
- Oh! That's me! Amazing!
- And you my dear? Details of birth?
- Winter. A Monday evening. Full moon.
- Full moon? Really? I thought so! Definitely a Virgo. My beautiful girl, you love knowledge and you are so clever that many future generations will talk about you. You also have a slight inclination to certain substances but all Virgos handle such things wisely. And you happen to like boys that are taller than you. With black, brown or blond hair. Oh! And you love your mother!
- How did you do it? It's so accurate! I think I am convinced. But the name...
- What about the name?
- You should use something more scientific. Something with “ology” in the end.
- Yes. And something easier for the uneducated masses.
- What about skyology?
- Too easy.
- Birthology?
- Complicated.
- Planetology?
- I like Planetology! It even sounds better Razda! Listen to this: Razda Habti, Planetologist.
- Excuse me but what about the existing Planetologists? We certainly don't want to be mistaken for those crazy fools! We are real scientists!
- True. And now that you mention it, my science is not only about planets. It's about all stars.
- Then call it Allstarology. It sounds scientific all right. Razda Habti, Allstarologist. What do you say?
- Great name! Razda Habti, Allstarologist. Allstarology it is! I wish you all a happy predictable year people!

Πρωτογράφτηκε για το Dystopia - ανασύρθηκε για να το ‘χω εύκαιρο σε περίπτωση κραξίματος.  :P

υ.γ. Γράφω καμιά φορά κι εδώ, για τώρα.  :)

Τσίμπα κι ένα τυχαίo post από το παρελθόν...

Δευτέρα, 17 Μαρτίου 2014


Να περιμένεις μια ζωή να μεγαλώσεις, να ψηλώσεις, να γίνεις δεσποινίδα, να γίνεις γυναίκα, σύζυγος, επαγγελματίας, μαμά, να πήξει το μυαλό σου, να ξέρεις το σωστό, να πάρεις τον καλό τον δρόμο, τον δρόμο του θεού, να σε υπολογίζουν, να σε σέβονται, να γίνεις χρήσιμη στην κοινωνία και δεν ξέρω γω τι άλλη κλισεδιά έχεις φάει κι εσύ κακόμοιρο, κι αντί κάθε (γκρίζα) τρίχα να σε κάνει σοφότερη, ωριμότερη, βαρύτερη, σεβασμιότερη, να διαπιστώνεις σε κάθε, μα κάθε νέα φάση της ζωής σου ότι πρόκειται για ακόμη μια φούσκα μεγάλη και γυαλιστερή που θα σου σκάσει στη μούρη με το που θα απλώσεις το ξεράδι.

Κι έτσι σκατά που στα κάνανε, δε βιάζεσαι καθόλου να πας στο επόμενο “ορόσημο” αλλά φοβάσαι κιόλας τί άλλη παπάτζα θα συναντήσεις, πόσο τσάμπα πήγε το δέος σου να περιμένεις ένα κάρο σπουδαία πράγματα τόσα χρόνια, ότι για όνομα, πότε τελικά θα σταματήσεις να είσαι εσύ απέναντι στο σύμπαν και για πόσο θα συνεχίζεις να μην έχεις ιδέα που πατείς και που πηγαίνεις και ποιο είναι το σωστό και ποιο δρόμο να διαλέξεις (αυτό πρέπει να είναι τραγούδι, αν δεν είναι ας το μελοποιήσει κάποιος πρόχειρα).

Το μόνο δηλαδή που μαθαίνεις στα σίγουρα είναι να απομυθοποιείς τα πάντα και να διαπιστώνεις πόσο απάτη είναι οτιδήποτε γύρω σου παρουσιάζεται ως μεγάλο και τρανό, ειδικά αυτά που δεν τα προσπαθείς αλλά τα παθαίνεις αυτόματα με την ηλικία. Αυτά δηλαδή που συχνά στα παρομοιάζουν με το καλό κρασί που - κούνια που σε κούναγε αν - ωριμάζει με το χρόνο, παρεκτός κι αν εννοούν την ωριμότητα του τζακ του ντάνιελς. Γενικά δηλαδή, κράτα μικρό καλάθι ενάντια σε οτιδήποτε, ο τ ι δ ή π ο τ ε  στο τυλίγουνε με κύρος και βαρύτητα, που αρκεί να εφοδιαστείς με μια τόση δα καρφιτσούλα μυαλό για να ακούσεις το πιφ. Αέρας.

Σκέψου μονάχα πώς θα ένιωθες αν ήξερες πώς αύριο θα είναι όλα το ίδιο φρικουλιάρικα με σήμερα, μη σου πω και περισσότερο, να σου συμβαίνει αυτό ενώ εσύ σαραβαλιάζεις κιόλας και το τελειωτικό να την έχεις πατήσει με το αυξάνεσθε - πληθύνεσθε και να έχεις δίπλα σου και δυο νιάνιαρα να χάσκουν με το σύμπαν απέναντι. Ε, είναι λιγάκι χοντρό όλο αυτό όσο να πεις. Γι’ αυτό έπρεπε να στο κάνουν κι αυτό ένα όμορφο παραμυθάκι που τελειώνει με σοφούς και ευτυχείς ασπρομάλληδες. Αλλά να μη με διάβαζες ή όπως λέμε στα δυτικά προάστια θελέστα και παθέστα. Διότι αυτοί είναι οι πραγματικοί κίνδυνοι του ίντερνετ. Μαθαίνεις πράγματα.

Έτσι υποψιασμένο μου παιδί, όλα τριγύρω όσο πάνε θα σκατεύουν, εσύ όλο και θα χουφταλιάζεις οπότε πέτα τα όλα και κράτα καλύτερα, αυτό το κλισέ: ζήσε το σήμερα σαν να τα ‘χεις καταφέρει, χωρίς να σε ψαρώνει κανείς για το αύριο. Έτσι τα κάνουν όλα και οι φτασμένοι. “Σαν”. Πιάνει*.

*Εδώ οι εξαιρέσεις δεν επιβεβαιώνουν τον κανόνα αλλά εντείνουν την ανάγκη προσποίησης της ισχύς του**.

**Άμα κατάλαβες την υποσημείωση πες μου κι εμένα.  :P

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